Well it has been a few days since my last post, but I did not intentionally neglect my wonderful bloggyland buddies, and honestly I would have much rather been blogging the. Sick with a migraine that reached the pain level of "someone please kill me now" the good news is I am finally starting to feel better and the light from the iPad no longer burns my eyes to the point of wanting to yank them out of my skull, and all just in time for my first ever Mommy Monday guest!!!!!
Today's guest has a snazzy little blog over atDomesticated breakdown where she blogs about all sorts of great mommy things, you should go over and give her a visit, and while you are there let her know the crazy lady from Mommys Rambles sent you. So without further ado here is Lacie : )
Today's guest has a snazzy little blog over atDomesticated breakdown where she blogs about all sorts of great mommy things, you should go over and give her a visit, and while you are there let her know the crazy lady from Mommys Rambles sent you. So without further ado here is Lacie : )
My relationship with my children is based on trust understanding and love
I am what some may consider a mostly YES parent. What does a mostly YES parent mean?
It means that I say yes more often than I say no, and if I can help it I do not use the word no. It means that when my children want to do something I ask myself: Will it hurt them? Will it hurt me? Will it hurt anyone else? If the answer to those questions is no then I usually let them do it. For instance my children are allowed to jump in mud puddles, to excuse themselves from eating anymore if they are not hungry, to wear a superman costume to the grocery store, ect. I find that so many parents do not allow their children to do things because it is an inconvenience to them, or because they think that someone may look down on them for allowing their children to do that particular thing. Children are not allowed to jump in muddy puddles for instance because it is messy, because they may get dirty, I get it time is precious and most mothers are overworked as it is, but if you take a second to allow your child some time to jump in the mud, the reward may be so much greater than the aggravation of cleaning. Do I always want to clean up the mud covered child? Of course not, but my children will only be children once, I want them to enjoy it, I want them to see all of the good in the world and to do as much of the things that make them happy as possible, before the world isn't quite as much fun anymore. I also believe that children learn through play, and so to me that means play is pretty damn important.
When I tell people my views on Yes parenting, I get mixed reactions, some people think it is great and others think I have lost my mind, they claim I am raising children that will expect the whole world to give into them, children with unreasonable expectations, children that will not know how to react to rules, or the real world at all.
Most of those opinions are formed from a lack of understanding!
What a Yes parent does not mean: It does not mean that I give them everything they want, It does not mean that I allow them to do everything they want, and it does not mean they do not have rules.
My children do have rules, some of the rules include but are not limited to not cussing, not being disrespectful, not running in the street, not name calling, and not coloring on the walls. The thing with rules is my children have a clear understanding of why they are not allowed to do those things. So many times I hear the line "because I said so" I disliked that line when I was a child and I dislike it now. If someone was to tell you that you couldn't do something, and you asked why? would you want to hear "because I said so" Probably not right. I have never understood why this was an acceptable answer. I could say the same thing people say about yes parenting to the people that do this, It's not what will happen in the real world. Laws have reason, Rules have reason. If I am going to tell my children that they can't do something, I will certainly give them an explanation if they ask. For example, Why can't I run in the street? You can't run in the street because a car may come, and then you could get hit by the car, getting hit by a car can kill you, or it can hurt you very badly, I do not want you to get hurt or to die. It's that simple and the great thing is my children tend to listen to a rule better if they know why they have to follow that rule.
I treat my children the way I want them to treat others, I talk to them, and I allow them to make choices and take risks. Sometimes they make bad choices, but they have learned over time that bad choices result in negative consequences. They learn everyday a little more how to make right choices, how can this be negative for them? If anything I believe it prepares them for the real world. If we spend our children's childhood making their choices for them, how do they know how to make choices on their own? I will voice my opinion on their choices if I think it is something extremely negative, for instance we have been having some issues with my daughter going to bed at night, she will get up and come out 50 times. The first few times I am pleasant and I calmly put her back to bed, after that I inform her that she is making a bad choice and bad choices come with consequences. Recently she has been choosing to continue making a bad choice at which point I will inform her that because she made a bad choice by getting out of bed again she will have to go to bed 10 minutes earlier the next day, or something along those lines. This usually produces quite the fit, and she is left with another choice "C you can choose to continue to scream and I will close your door so that you do not disrupt the whole family, or you can choose to calm down and keep your door open, which would you like to do? I do not tell her not to throw a fit, I do not tell her to stop screaming, she is human it is her right to feel a certain way and to show her feelings in a way that she knows how, but it is also not fair to everyone that has to listen, and so I give her a choice. Almost always she chooses to stop crying, if she doesn't I close her door, and when she calms down I re-open it, and I tell her that I am glad she stopped crying, and is feeling better. Another example is clothing. I used to force the issue of say a hat in the winter, now I don't I tell my children that they should wear a hat and their ears may get cold, but if they choose not to wear them, I will let them go out without one. (Before the sick Nazis jump all over me, keep in mind it is proven that cold weather does not cause sickness) they soon learn that their ears get cold and they should have worn a hat. When it comes to risk taking I firmly believe that if I allow my children to take risks now they will know how to assess risks in the future. That doesn't mean I go inside on the computer and let them go to the park alone and jump off the monkey bars. What it means is I allow them to do things like climbing a tree, walking in a creek, climbing to the top of a jungle gym, walking off the edge of a pool, but I am also right there with them should something go wrong, and to be honest most children know what they are and are not capable of. You may be amazed at all of the things your children can do if you let them try. Both my children help in the kitchen, at 3 1/2 years old C could cut up banana's lettuce, and any other soft thing. She could stir a pot on the stove, and A could cut a piece of chicken, marinate it and grill it. (All with close supervision of course) Not only does this allow them to learn, and to asses risk, but it shows them that you trust them to make good choices and gives them confidence.
I was not always like this. When C was younger we went through some very difficult times, mostly with destroying things and usually involving some form of art supply (crayons, markers, scissors) At the time all I could think to do was take everything away. I couldn't bring myself to do it though, mostly because how sad would it be to ruin her love of art? It took me a long time to realize that she didn't do those things to be spiteful or mean. She didn't do them to upset me or make me angry. She didn't do them so I would have to buy a new couch. She did those things because she loved art and she wanted to create it, and the problem was really mine, I had put everything up so she couldn't reach it, so when she found a marker she would color on anything she could find, like my couch. I spent a good amount of time, seeking advice from other parents. The best advice I got was to give her an art station. A place where she could get to all of the art supplies and use them whenever she wanted. I'll admit the thought of this terrified me, I was petrified at what I may wake up to the next morning, but I decided to trust my child and give it a go.
It confirmed what I already knew, she wasn't doing those things to be naughty! When I set this up I took the time to explain to C that she had to clean up what she used. That markers/crayons/pens/ect were only to be used on paper, not on walls, and that scissors were for cutting paper, not hair. We went over these things a lot, and I also let her know that if they were used in a different way, or things were left out they would be put up for awhile. I only had to take things away twice and it was because she left them laying on the floor, she never colored another wall, couch or anything else that wasn't part of her crafts. Doing this also gave me the opportunity to see how creative C really was, it was amazing.
If these things will somehow destine my children to be negative members of society as adults, I truly fail to see how. My relationship with my children is built on trust, understanding, and love. Isn't that what all people want out of a relationship?
I am what some may consider a mostly YES parent. What does a mostly YES parent mean?
It means that I say yes more often than I say no, and if I can help it I do not use the word no. It means that when my children want to do something I ask myself: Will it hurt them? Will it hurt me? Will it hurt anyone else? If the answer to those questions is no then I usually let them do it. For instance my children are allowed to jump in mud puddles, to excuse themselves from eating anymore if they are not hungry, to wear a superman costume to the grocery store, ect. I find that so many parents do not allow their children to do things because it is an inconvenience to them, or because they think that someone may look down on them for allowing their children to do that particular thing. Children are not allowed to jump in muddy puddles for instance because it is messy, because they may get dirty, I get it time is precious and most mothers are overworked as it is, but if you take a second to allow your child some time to jump in the mud, the reward may be so much greater than the aggravation of cleaning. Do I always want to clean up the mud covered child? Of course not, but my children will only be children once, I want them to enjoy it, I want them to see all of the good in the world and to do as much of the things that make them happy as possible, before the world isn't quite as much fun anymore. I also believe that children learn through play, and so to me that means play is pretty damn important.
When I tell people my views on Yes parenting, I get mixed reactions, some people think it is great and others think I have lost my mind, they claim I am raising children that will expect the whole world to give into them, children with unreasonable expectations, children that will not know how to react to rules, or the real world at all.
Most of those opinions are formed from a lack of understanding!
What a Yes parent does not mean: It does not mean that I give them everything they want, It does not mean that I allow them to do everything they want, and it does not mean they do not have rules.
My children do have rules, some of the rules include but are not limited to not cussing, not being disrespectful, not running in the street, not name calling, and not coloring on the walls. The thing with rules is my children have a clear understanding of why they are not allowed to do those things. So many times I hear the line "because I said so" I disliked that line when I was a child and I dislike it now. If someone was to tell you that you couldn't do something, and you asked why? would you want to hear "because I said so" Probably not right. I have never understood why this was an acceptable answer. I could say the same thing people say about yes parenting to the people that do this, It's not what will happen in the real world. Laws have reason, Rules have reason. If I am going to tell my children that they can't do something, I will certainly give them an explanation if they ask. For example, Why can't I run in the street? You can't run in the street because a car may come, and then you could get hit by the car, getting hit by a car can kill you, or it can hurt you very badly, I do not want you to get hurt or to die. It's that simple and the great thing is my children tend to listen to a rule better if they know why they have to follow that rule.
I treat my children the way I want them to treat others, I talk to them, and I allow them to make choices and take risks. Sometimes they make bad choices, but they have learned over time that bad choices result in negative consequences. They learn everyday a little more how to make right choices, how can this be negative for them? If anything I believe it prepares them for the real world. If we spend our children's childhood making their choices for them, how do they know how to make choices on their own? I will voice my opinion on their choices if I think it is something extremely negative, for instance we have been having some issues with my daughter going to bed at night, she will get up and come out 50 times. The first few times I am pleasant and I calmly put her back to bed, after that I inform her that she is making a bad choice and bad choices come with consequences. Recently she has been choosing to continue making a bad choice at which point I will inform her that because she made a bad choice by getting out of bed again she will have to go to bed 10 minutes earlier the next day, or something along those lines. This usually produces quite the fit, and she is left with another choice "C you can choose to continue to scream and I will close your door so that you do not disrupt the whole family, or you can choose to calm down and keep your door open, which would you like to do? I do not tell her not to throw a fit, I do not tell her to stop screaming, she is human it is her right to feel a certain way and to show her feelings in a way that she knows how, but it is also not fair to everyone that has to listen, and so I give her a choice. Almost always she chooses to stop crying, if she doesn't I close her door, and when she calms down I re-open it, and I tell her that I am glad she stopped crying, and is feeling better. Another example is clothing. I used to force the issue of say a hat in the winter, now I don't I tell my children that they should wear a hat and their ears may get cold, but if they choose not to wear them, I will let them go out without one. (Before the sick Nazis jump all over me, keep in mind it is proven that cold weather does not cause sickness) they soon learn that their ears get cold and they should have worn a hat. When it comes to risk taking I firmly believe that if I allow my children to take risks now they will know how to assess risks in the future. That doesn't mean I go inside on the computer and let them go to the park alone and jump off the monkey bars. What it means is I allow them to do things like climbing a tree, walking in a creek, climbing to the top of a jungle gym, walking off the edge of a pool, but I am also right there with them should something go wrong, and to be honest most children know what they are and are not capable of. You may be amazed at all of the things your children can do if you let them try. Both my children help in the kitchen, at 3 1/2 years old C could cut up banana's lettuce, and any other soft thing. She could stir a pot on the stove, and A could cut a piece of chicken, marinate it and grill it. (All with close supervision of course) Not only does this allow them to learn, and to asses risk, but it shows them that you trust them to make good choices and gives them confidence.
I was not always like this. When C was younger we went through some very difficult times, mostly with destroying things and usually involving some form of art supply (crayons, markers, scissors) At the time all I could think to do was take everything away. I couldn't bring myself to do it though, mostly because how sad would it be to ruin her love of art? It took me a long time to realize that she didn't do those things to be spiteful or mean. She didn't do them to upset me or make me angry. She didn't do them so I would have to buy a new couch. She did those things because she loved art and she wanted to create it, and the problem was really mine, I had put everything up so she couldn't reach it, so when she found a marker she would color on anything she could find, like my couch. I spent a good amount of time, seeking advice from other parents. The best advice I got was to give her an art station. A place where she could get to all of the art supplies and use them whenever she wanted. I'll admit the thought of this terrified me, I was petrified at what I may wake up to the next morning, but I decided to trust my child and give it a go.
It confirmed what I already knew, she wasn't doing those things to be naughty! When I set this up I took the time to explain to C that she had to clean up what she used. That markers/crayons/pens/ect were only to be used on paper, not on walls, and that scissors were for cutting paper, not hair. We went over these things a lot, and I also let her know that if they were used in a different way, or things were left out they would be put up for awhile. I only had to take things away twice and it was because she left them laying on the floor, she never colored another wall, couch or anything else that wasn't part of her crafts. Doing this also gave me the opportunity to see how creative C really was, it was amazing.
If these things will somehow destine my children to be negative members of society as adults, I truly fail to see how. My relationship with my children is built on trust, understanding, and love. Isn't that what all people want out of a relationship?
Wow!!! That was an awesome post don't you think??? Great job Lacie, I really appreciate you being my very first guest Mommy on Mommy Mondays...
Next week we will have Christy from Mother of year!!! And we have a total awesome DAD the week after, I can't wait to have all you great bloggers come hang out at my place, and for anyone else who my still be interested, don't forget to email me : )
As for me, well right now I am about to let my head hit the pillows so that I will have enough energy to catch up with everything in my life tomorrow... We all know that as a mom, one sick day means you are two weeks behind on life, and I've been sick for 4 days.... So... Holy wowza!!
i try and yes as uch as i can within limits. there is enough no's and time in the world to not have fun, i want them to enjoy their childhoods while they can!
ReplyDeleteSo true, far too many people will be there to tell them no :-)
DeleteDomesticated Breakdown
I love your parenting philosophy and do my best to do the same things in my own parenting. I remember reading an article that said so many times when a parent says no they really would say yes but in that moment they just react and say no. Then they end up in a strange position because they either have to stick with a position they really don't believe in or they end up loosing their no power. I do my best to say yes more often then no. When I say no, I want it to mean no! Thanks for sharing a bit of your great family with us!!
ReplyDeleteThat is very true, and thank you for reading :-)
DeleteDomesticated Breakdown
This is exactly how I parent! I try to treat my children how I would want to be treated. Plus they listen a lot better if they understand why they have that rule. My husband however says "no" first without thinking. I am trying to get him to adopt this philosophy as well!!
ReplyDeleteMy husband does that too, and we have been working on it, I feel the same way, I want my children to learn to treat people nicely and they learn that at home, and they are definitely much more understanding of explained rules :-) Thanks for reading
ReplyDeleteSounds like you have the all important communication down to a tee! That's where many parents fail---they don't communicate with their kids and instead order them around. Kudos to you for talking to your kids!
ReplyDeleteThank you, and that is so true
DeleteDomesticated Breakdown
I think I am mostly a "yes" parent, too. My mom didn't let me do anything growing up. And we haven't spoken in years. No kid wants to feel like a hostage in their own home. So, much like the writer of this piece, I think to myself, "Will it hurt my daughter {either physically or mentally}?" If not, I generally let her do it.
ReplyDeleteDawn
That's great that you allow her to do more, I think it is so important, Thank you for reading
DeleteDomesticated Breakdown