Ok, so over the last. 2 years (respectively) life has thrown some major wrenches in my plan. If you would have asked me at 15 where I saw myself at 30 (yes I am old) I would have never told you that I would be the mom of 4 living in a tiny studio apartment while searching for work that seems to be no where to be found. I would have never imagined having been homeless, burying a child, or battling cancer, and I certainly never pictured myself as poor.
Honestly my vision for my grown up self was MUCH different than my current reality. I envisioned a big house with a picket fence, in ground pool, fancy car, kick ass job, two (yes only two) incredibly cute and well behaved kids... The list goes on, but mostly I never imagined that struggle that real life would present.
At 15 the words "I can't wait to grow up" we're spewed from my mouth at least a million times daily. Didn't want to clean my room? Well I couldn't wait to grow up so I would never have to clean ( that's a riot) .... Now though, I would give anything to change places with my 15 year old self, the person I was before kids, before marriage, before life happened.
Of course there is no way to change the past, but thinking back to the carefree dream filled teenager I was, made me realize that if I had known then, what I know now, maybe things would have been different, maybe I would have made better choices... So I started to write a letter to my 15 year old self to tell me all about my life now and how things were going to change, but then I realized... I really WOULDN'T change a thing!
Yes it is true that my life is nothing like I thought it would be, but somehow my life has gone exactly the way it was supposed to, because of the life I have lived I became the person I am today, and although I have my days (don't we all) I think I like me.
Sure, there are times that the struggles seem to be without a doubt too much to handle, but somehow I have managed to stay afloat. There are times when the sunshine (or proverbial silver lining) seems to get lost in the rain, but I am still holding on and going strong. I have stood strong through many challenges that would make other crumble... I guess you could say that not only I have recently learned to appreciate the storms, I have learned to embrace them, and now instead of looking back and pondering the "what if" I will spend my days dancing in the rain!
By the way it is currently pouring in Oklahoma... Would anyone like to dance?
Life sucks.
ReplyDeleteThat's the one thing I would need to tell my 15 year old self.
It sucks. It's freaking impossible... and it's nothing like the movies.
I've been on my own since I was 17.
Times were rough... and as time passed.. it was still rough, but the logistics changed.
I think part of the thing about becoming an adult is: Realizing that life is always hard, always sucks, and that only YOU can make it bearable.
Little steps towards my dreams...
One day... I think you'll get your picket fence and in the ground pool... Just take little steps.
Life does indeed suck some times, but its all in the way you choose to see things.
DeleteI was on my own very young too, mom at 16, wife at 17 and it has indeed been a rough uphill battle .... I realized long ago that things could always be worse so I try to stay positive and keep my head up working towards my dreams
You are right one day I will live my dream but right now I am just playing the cards I was dealt the best I know how
Haha, last year, during a nice summer thunderstorm, Lily asked to go on a walk. My first response: Are you CRAZY?? Just look at the weather. A second later: Wait, why actually not!! Got two girls in their mud suits and rubber boots, and left the house equipped with a bunch of umbrellas for a walk in the summer rain. I was soaked to the bones, since I do not own a mud suit, but it was SO much fun spashing through all the puddles and dancing in the rain ;-)
ReplyDeleteDancing in the rain makes life grand.... Life is all about dancing in the rain... Good for you for realizing that : )
DeleteHope you are ok in Oklahoma... I saw some more storms on the radar down there! :)
ReplyDeleteAs of right now we are ok here in Muskogee, but we are in for a long line of really bad weather again tonight... Got to love Spring time in tornado alley
DeleteMight not be what we imagine when we're younger, but it's beautiful in it's own way - despite whatever situation you may be in. It's yours. It's your story.
ReplyDeleteHope everything in Oklahoma is okay!
XO,
Samm
www.dysfunctionaleverafter.com
Every one here in Muskogee is ok for make, tornado touched down just about 30 miles from us last night
DeleteYou are right, life is beautiful in its own way, despite not being what we plan, it is always exactly where we are supposed to bd
New follower via Blog Hop! Great post!
ReplyDeletewww.jaimelovesstuff.com
Awesome!! Following you as well
DeleteHello Kimbra! I'm stopping by from the "TGIF Blog Hop and Linky Party"! I am following you via GFC. Please follow me back. When you visit my blog please leave a comment if you enjoy my post. I appreciate the support.
ReplyDeleteThank you,
Vashti
Thank you for visiting will be returning the visit soon
DeleteWow! Stopping by and was gravitated by your post.. first seeing 'those who call you mummy' and seeing your loss of your gorgeous Dillion and this post... I'm gravitated to read more. What a life! I don't know how you're so positive. Safe to safe I'm definitely a new follower. Will be popping by often!
ReplyDeleteThank you Harley,
DeleteStaying positive isn't always easy but I made the decisions long ago that I could either play that cards I was dealt or be miserable, and being miserable is not fun. Trust me when I say I have my bad days and I am not always positive and happy but I do my best to live my life in a way that my son would be proud of me, he was my inspiration and I try to live a life that reflects his strength. Thank you so much for visiting and following
Wow... well God bless you for your positive attitude during all of this. I cannot believe you had a child pass. I know my words do not mean much but I am humbled by your post and I pray things get better for you. Keep on keeping on, keep trying, and never give up. You already have a solid foundation; a positive attitude. Can't wait to read more.
ReplyDeleteYour new friend,
Liz
Thank you my new friend!!! I can not believe that I have lost a child either honestly. Many days it feels like a bad dream I will wake up from. Thank you for the words of encouragement, they are always greatly appreciated!!! I do try to always stay positive even on the darkest days, I think a person is in control of their own happiness, and being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect it simply means you've learned to live with the imperfections .
DeleteThis is wonderful! Life does throw some people, terrible things. Sometimes we feel like our life is nothing but a battle to stay alive. It's great that you take the positive side of the bad, instead of dwelling on how things should be.....not everyone can do that. It really does make you stronger to just learn, grow and keep on going when life throws obstacles your way.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel like to makes me stronger, honestly I feel like it makes me much weaker and tired but I keep going trying to always see the positive (the funny) in life as I want nothing more than to make my children proud of me... Sometimes life is merely a fight to stay alive, but we must keep pressing forward, we are in control of our own destiny and our own happiness and only we can allow the bad things to bring us down.
DeleteYou are right that some can take the challenges and chaos that gets thrown you're way, and others just can't. But I have to agree with you on writing a letter to my 15 year old self. I wouldn't do it. I might write a letter to my 25 year old self about a couple of things, but if I changed too much in my past, I wouldn't have all the things and people that I cherish today. Thanks for the reminder.
ReplyDeleteSometimes our pasts are horrible, but without our pasts we wouldn't have our present or our future
Delete