Ok, so let's just be honest, I haven't been that great of a blogger... Well, pretty much like... EVER! I am not at all consistent, and always seem to have some reason excuse as to why I haven't been writing. Well the truth is, I have been in a bad place for a very long time. I have been fighting many battles within myself, and for a person who tries to always be optimistic, it is hard to write sunshine and rainbows, when your life feels more like storm clouds and nightmares.
I guess we each have our own demons to one extent or another. But, how do you go on pretending when you wake up in the mornings ashamed of the person you have become. What happens when you realize that the reflection in the mirror is almost unrecognizable?
When the hope for your own blog is to inspire others, how on earth to do continue to write when you feel so uninspired, and well... just simply deflated and empty. A few weeks ago I was approached with an opportunity that I instantly became excited about. Yet I was very much unaware how working on this project would affect my own life. Of course I knew instantly that this project would take a large portion of my time, and would have a large part of my heart. However, I did not know that in the process of reaching out to others, I myself would become inspired, and begin to heal in a way I never thought possible.
After a lot of tears, a lot of long talks, and a lot of other personal things. I have come to the conclusion that over the last two years, I have been surviving. I have walked through life with my fists in the air on survival mood. I have been sad, I have been angry, I have been hurt... and I have been heartbroken. My life has been hard, and extremely unfair. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand "Why?", and I have spent a lot of time giving a lot more of myself then I should have to people who honestly haven't deserved it... In the process, I have slowly destroyed myself, and turned myself into someone I no longer desire to be.
Decisions have been made, and I must say it is amazing the weight I felt instantly lift from my shoulders upon making these decisions. Of course walking the new path I have chosen will not be easy, and it surely will not be all sunshine and rainbows. There are going to be hard times, but I finally feel like I am ready to face the challenge. I must let go of the anger, I have to rid my life of toxic people, and I must learn to accept that walking away, does not make me a failure.
I have been angry and bitter for far too long. Does realizing this mean that my heart was instantly healed? Of course not, as I mentioned this is going to take some real effort on my part. But I want to be able to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror without feeling ashamed. I want to make my children proud of their mother, I want to make my husband proud of his wife, and most importantly, I want to be proud of myself.
I have been through, and survived way too much in the last two years to continue on my current path any longer. So I have made some HUGE decisions, and took the very first step on my new path today. I am beginning to live a "REAL" life. There are many more steps to come, and I am sure I will loose a few people along the way (both in real life and in the blogverse) but I would like to say Thank you in advance to those who choose to stick with me, and a polite goodbye to those who won't.
Now, as far as my blog goes... As long as we are being honest... Well, the tone may change a little, and potentially even the name (not like my blog name is super original anyhow) but I am not going anywhere. As a matter of fact, I hope to use my blog more and more now that I have realized why this extremely horrible case of writers block has been looming over me.
So there you have it... There is my honesty for the night... Ever had one of those moments where you had to finally be honest with yourself, and make big (sometimes painful) decisions?
I guess we each have our own demons to one extent or another. But, how do you go on pretending when you wake up in the mornings ashamed of the person you have become. What happens when you realize that the reflection in the mirror is almost unrecognizable?
When the hope for your own blog is to inspire others, how on earth to do continue to write when you feel so uninspired, and well... just simply deflated and empty. A few weeks ago I was approached with an opportunity that I instantly became excited about. Yet I was very much unaware how working on this project would affect my own life. Of course I knew instantly that this project would take a large portion of my time, and would have a large part of my heart. However, I did not know that in the process of reaching out to others, I myself would become inspired, and begin to heal in a way I never thought possible.
After a lot of tears, a lot of long talks, and a lot of other personal things. I have come to the conclusion that over the last two years, I have been surviving. I have walked through life with my fists in the air on survival mood. I have been sad, I have been angry, I have been hurt... and I have been heartbroken. My life has been hard, and extremely unfair. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand "Why?", and I have spent a lot of time giving a lot more of myself then I should have to people who honestly haven't deserved it... In the process, I have slowly destroyed myself, and turned myself into someone I no longer desire to be.
Decisions have been made, and I must say it is amazing the weight I felt instantly lift from my shoulders upon making these decisions. Of course walking the new path I have chosen will not be easy, and it surely will not be all sunshine and rainbows. There are going to be hard times, but I finally feel like I am ready to face the challenge. I must let go of the anger, I have to rid my life of toxic people, and I must learn to accept that walking away, does not make me a failure.
I have been angry and bitter for far too long. Does realizing this mean that my heart was instantly healed? Of course not, as I mentioned this is going to take some real effort on my part. But I want to be able to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror without feeling ashamed. I want to make my children proud of their mother, I want to make my husband proud of his wife, and most importantly, I want to be proud of myself.
I have been through, and survived way too much in the last two years to continue on my current path any longer. So I have made some HUGE decisions, and took the very first step on my new path today. I am beginning to live a "REAL" life. There are many more steps to come, and I am sure I will loose a few people along the way (both in real life and in the blogverse) but I would like to say Thank you in advance to those who choose to stick with me, and a polite goodbye to those who won't.
Now, as far as my blog goes... As long as we are being honest... Well, the tone may change a little, and potentially even the name (not like my blog name is super original anyhow) but I am not going anywhere. As a matter of fact, I hope to use my blog more and more now that I have realized why this extremely horrible case of writers block has been looming over me.
So there you have it... There is my honesty for the night... Ever had one of those moments where you had to finally be honest with yourself, and make big (sometimes painful) decisions?
I don't know your whole story. Only what I read on here, but I imagine you're too hard on yourself. I always feel like a person with a keen sense of self awareness is usually a better person than they think. Sometimes the people with a keen sense of self awareness too though are their harshest critic. I wish you the best of luck and I plan on sticking around to hear the rest of your story because I think it'll be an inspiring journey. I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteAngela @ Time with A & N
Angela, I recently wrote a large chunk of my story here on my site... However you are right, I am always extremely hard on myself and honestly always have been, Thank you for the good luck because I truly feel as though I am going to need it, and thank you also for sticking around, I really appreciate that.
DeleteSunshine and Rainbows... No one has a life filled with these things.
ReplyDeleteAnyone who says otherwise. IS LYING.
There is the good. There is the bad. And then, there's the HOLY SHIT THIS SUCKS.
WRITE. WRITE ABOUT EVERYTHING. WRITE ABOUT ANYTHING. JUST WRITE.
RUN. PUNCH. KICK. SCREAM. In private, in your head, with a partner (a willing participant haha).... Just get the dark OUT.
It will not just disappear. A major change takes MAJOR time.
I have full confidence in your ability to change the things you want to be changed... and to achieve the life you want to live.
My big change started when I had my son. It was a slow process, but over the last 3 years (after I really committed to the change), things have gotten better, VASTLY better.
You take ONE step, and then ANOTHER. Sooner or later... you'll be where you want to be. Trouble is... You have to keep moving forward.
Never stop striving for the life you deserve. EVER.
All I can say is thank you, because this comment is exactly what I needed to "hear" at this point in my life. I needed to know that it was ok to write the "HOLY SHIT THIS SUCKS" type stuff along with all the other stuff, and I sincerely needed to be reminded that a major change take major time and will not happen over night. I am often so incredibly hard on myself that I wonder why I can't just make things happen and your reminded me that I am making things happen just by taking one step at a time in the right direction.
DeleteI love how you said that you need to learn to accept that "walking away does not make me a failure". So true! Sometimes it takes MORE courage and strength to walk away then to remain where we are; we get comfortable, we know it sucks but at least we KNOW. Moving on is scary and unpredictable. Good for you for recognizing these things and taking steps to be in control of your life, instead of just making it through each day. I'm a reader that won't be going anywhere, can't wait to see where your journey takes you!
DeleteGod knows the roads for all his people. He just has to lead you down the bumpy ones before guiding you the smooth ones. It's going to be bumpy for a while but the smooth ones are just ahead.
ReplyDeleteI am not going anywhere. I have had my share of downs that use to out weigh my ups. Stay strong- you can do this.
Thank you so much for the encouraging words. At times like these, and in places where my life has been encouraging words mean much more than I can even say. Also, thank you so much for sticking around and hanging in there to see how my journey turns out : )
Delete